Five years ago we began Happy Go Lucky Girl (Society of Joy Spreaders). It was one year after my mother passed away. Today, marks six years since she left us. I don’t talk about that day, though it still haunts me. However, I recently thought, maybe it was her final lesson to us?
The day after her flu shot, she became disoriented and started a downward spiral that would last one week. We went to the doctors and the hospital twice, prior to the last day. We thought it was a UTI, then the flu. I never let go of her hand that day. She asked me, “Is this where my parents are?” She was reaching into the air like picking cotton very carefully. Finally, she was diagnosed, and the kidney doctor was putting her on a recovery path. Things were settling down. Just the two of us in the room now, and I felt I could take my first deep breath mixed with hope. Then suddenly she sat up bolt straight in her bed, and said, “I am not doing this,” and died in my arms.
My mother was not known to be a decisive person, but she had clearly made up her mind that day and would have none of it. Earlier that day, she had told me she was not a hospital girl. When I asked her what kind of a girl she was, she said, I am a happy-go-lucky girl.
These days I am trying to challenge myself to be grateful for everything in my life, all the experiences that have allowed me to be who I am today. It has been a difficult challenge to be grateful for this experience. However, as difficult as this was, I can be grateful the decision to let go felt like it was hers. My silver lining is that because of my experience, I am more keenly aware that we are all walking around with loss and suffering, and this has allowed me to be more empathetic and patient with others.
My sister reminds me of something our mother liked to say to us, “Never be the last one at the party, leave a little early, and you will leave them wanting more.”
-(Aspiring to be a) Joy Spreader
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